The Old-Fashioned Word that Changed the Way I Parent

There’s nothing glamorous about it.

You’ll never see someone bragging about this virtue on social media. Yippee, God’s giving me longsuffering. #Blessed.

Longsuffering is the least popular fruit of the Spirit. We’d rather have joy or love, but what the heck does longsuffering even mean?

It comes from two Greek words meaning “long” and “temper,” or “long-tempered.”

Turns out longsuffering is the opposite of all my knee-jerk parenting moments. It means showing restraint instead of being easily angered.

What parent doesn’t need a longer fuse when it comes to their temper?

Lately, I’ve had a crash course in longsuffering as we raise our 14-year-old niece. She has some destructive habits that can really set me off. But longsuffering has taught me four things and changed the way I parent.

1. Longsuffering is an act of faith.

I’m a fixer. I live by the motto “where there’s a will, there’s a way.” And sometimes I dupe myself into believing I can change people if I try hard enough.

We can’t change anyone—not even ourselves. This especially rings true for strong-willed teens.

We can lecture and shame until we look like Smurfs, but only God’s Spirit can illicit real heart change.

We do have one ace up our sleeves, though—longsuffering. When our kids fail, and they will, we can extend forgiveness. Christian parents can model the gospel and let it do its work.

2. Our relationship with God is the perfect picture of longsuffering.

God continues to embrace us after we fail ad nauseum.

What if we didn’t sidestep longsuffering but embraced it as the way to know Jesus better?

Instead of bowing to fear next time our kids made a mistake, what if we allowed God to use the mirror of longsuffering to reflect His character?

This mirror doesn’t just show our kids who God is. Longsuffering reflects the patient and merciful character of God. Perhaps we need to see it most.

What if our parenting failures and our kids’ flaws were really God’s way of answering our prayers to know Him better?

When we give God’s grace to our children, we experience it more fully ourselves.

3. Longsuffering draws us near to God.

I spend a lot of time thinking about how to get close to God. I’m even writing a book about it.

But what if I’m missing the real magic of dwelling with God in all the mundane moments of mothering? Moments like:

• Forgiving in a spirit of love instead of waiting for my kids to finally get it right.

• Actually slowing down and making time to tell them again and again.

Until I had a teen, my vision of parenting never included longsuffering. I wanted to stack up mom victories. The idea of longsuffering felt like defeat.

Maybe we need to redefine what successful parenting looks like.

If we misunderstand God’s idea of victory, we might try to coerce good behavior in our kids. When that doesn’t work, we might resort to projecting the image that we have it all together.

Longsuffering does neither.

4. Longsuffering reveals the motives of our parenting.

I read this Desiring God article about spiritual warfare and parenting. It’s intense, but the article left me wrestling with motives.

Josh Parnell writes, “The majority of society says that children exist to make us happy, to boost our egos, to procure pats on the back by the watching world. We have children because we think children will make our lives better.”

Are we looking for fulfillment from our children? Even a little?

When my kids were younger, I noticed I was more concerned that they obey me in public. I allowed their behavior to validate my parenting.

Longsuffering sets us free in this area, too, because it forces us to accept the main problem.

Our children sin, and they always will.

Nothing about parenting is easy. Instilling character is slow, excruciating work.
Josh Parnell sums up parenting pretty well. “We understand that sometimes in God’s economy, blessings are not served on a silver platter. They are good—wonderfully good—but it’s not a microwavable good. It’s more like the long, tireless trek up a mountain.”

My niece may struggle with some of these habits for a lifetime, but thanks to God working longsuffering in me, I’ll be able to walk up that mountain alongside her.

Has longsuffering affected the way you parent? I’d love to hear from you.